Are You in Love, Like, or Lust? How Do You Stay in Love?
By Dr. Stacie Cooper – March 1, 2011
So you are in a committed relationship – you may be married, engaged, or seriously dating. How do you know that it is for real? What makes you sure that it is love? How do we even define something so complex and untangible?!
Love…Affection…Chemistry
There are many theories and ideas about what differentiates “love” from “infatuation,” or “physical chemistry.” To complicate matters even more, there are various types of love we can experience, ranging from the love between friends, the love and connection shared among family members, and romantic love. To make things even more confusing, we tend to throw around the word “love” so often that it dilutes the meaning behind this powerful and profound experience. For instance, you may find yourself shopping in your favorite clothing store and exclaiming, “ I absolutely LOVE that dress and I can’t live without it!” Or you may “love” the latest new song on the radio. I, for one, must admit that I have a serious relationship with chocolate – I think I am in “love!” So what makes it special? What makes it last? How do we separate these types of love from “the real thing?”
Sharing Emotions = Love?
A decent amount of research exists supporting the idea that couples express more frequent, intense emotions with one another when they care more and feel closer in their relationship. However, this isn’t always the case. Imagine a couple that screams and yells at one another constantly – they may be expressing strong and frequent emotions, but this may be a volatile and abusive relationship. Consider two teenagers that can’t keep their hands or eyes off of one another – they are constantly sharing excitement, happiness, and passion, but this may be infatuation or physical chemistry rather than love. John Gottman, a leading couples researcher and therapist in the United States, has studied thousands of couples and has been able to predict which ones would stay together after watching them interact for just five minutes! Couples that expressed more negative emotions with one another, and who spent more time engaging in negative behaviors (like criticizing, getting defensive, verbally attacking, calling names) than positive behaviors (like praising, listening, showing affection, telling their partner why they appreciate them) usually did not have a happy ending.
Formula For Lasting Love?
Well, you may ask, how do I know that what I share with my partner is really love? Unfortunately, there is no simple formula. However, there are some thoughts about what differentiates romantic love from merely passionate love, or lust, dependence (based on insecurities or a need to be in a relationship for a number of reasons), and platonic love, among friends or family members. Romantic love is thought to involve characteristics of: engagement, commitment, sexual chemistry, trust, security, and realistic expectations. Romantic love that lasts is unconditional, rather than conditional (“I’ll love you as long as you do this, say that, or share my views”). Unconditional love in romantic relationships involves accepting your partner and making an effort to express care in meaningful ways – it is an active and accepting process. Does your relationship involve all of these qualities?
A Few Basic Tips To Make Love Last
1) Pay attention to the “sweetest things.” Remind yourself of why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, what qualities you love or admire, and tell them! Showing appreciation can counter the effects of criticism. Plus, it will help you to value your partner, the relationship, and hold on to that love.
2) Create a shared life – think “we” instead of “I.” Learn from your partner, share your dreams, ideas, and hopes together and work to include one another in these plans. Compromise, be supportive of one another’s needs and values, and find a way to appreciate your differences rather than try to change them. This is key to that acceptance part of unconditional love!
3) Hold on to the old - embrace the new. Find some rituals or routines that define you as a couple (celebrating anniversaries, weekly date nights, cooking together, taking walks through your local park) and hold on to them. Discover ways to challenge yourselves and embrace the new together (take up skydiving, scuba diving, guitar lessons, learn a new language).
4) Keep the passion alive. Communicate your physical and emotional needs, listen to your partner’s needs, and try out some new things if the romance is getting stale. What couples do depends on their individual preferences. Some ideas are having a candlelight dinner, giving each other massages, experimenting with new techniques, or testing out some sexual intimacy in new locations (different rooms in your home, a public place, your car).
Often relationships start out with a lot of sexual chemistry, passion, and unrealistic expectations. It’s important that you build the lasting qualities that make love unconditional, like trust, security, commitment, and more realistic expectations. Finally, it takes work to hold on to that passion and sexual chemistry. Love often goes awry when we back off, stop trying, take our partner for granted, or forget that it takes work and creativity to keep love alive. Don’t forget to follow these tips, and keep things new, interesting, and fun!
For more information about relationship research, check out the Gottman Institute at www.gottman.com.
Love…Affection…Chemistry
There are many theories and ideas about what differentiates “love” from “infatuation,” or “physical chemistry.” To complicate matters even more, there are various types of love we can experience, ranging from the love between friends, the love and connection shared among family members, and romantic love. To make things even more confusing, we tend to throw around the word “love” so often that it dilutes the meaning behind this powerful and profound experience. For instance, you may find yourself shopping in your favorite clothing store and exclaiming, “ I absolutely LOVE that dress and I can’t live without it!” Or you may “love” the latest new song on the radio. I, for one, must admit that I have a serious relationship with chocolate – I think I am in “love!” So what makes it special? What makes it last? How do we separate these types of love from “the real thing?”
Sharing Emotions = Love?
A decent amount of research exists supporting the idea that couples express more frequent, intense emotions with one another when they care more and feel closer in their relationship. However, this isn’t always the case. Imagine a couple that screams and yells at one another constantly – they may be expressing strong and frequent emotions, but this may be a volatile and abusive relationship. Consider two teenagers that can’t keep their hands or eyes off of one another – they are constantly sharing excitement, happiness, and passion, but this may be infatuation or physical chemistry rather than love. John Gottman, a leading couples researcher and therapist in the United States, has studied thousands of couples and has been able to predict which ones would stay together after watching them interact for just five minutes! Couples that expressed more negative emotions with one another, and who spent more time engaging in negative behaviors (like criticizing, getting defensive, verbally attacking, calling names) than positive behaviors (like praising, listening, showing affection, telling their partner why they appreciate them) usually did not have a happy ending.
Formula For Lasting Love?
Well, you may ask, how do I know that what I share with my partner is really love? Unfortunately, there is no simple formula. However, there are some thoughts about what differentiates romantic love from merely passionate love, or lust, dependence (based on insecurities or a need to be in a relationship for a number of reasons), and platonic love, among friends or family members. Romantic love is thought to involve characteristics of: engagement, commitment, sexual chemistry, trust, security, and realistic expectations. Romantic love that lasts is unconditional, rather than conditional (“I’ll love you as long as you do this, say that, or share my views”). Unconditional love in romantic relationships involves accepting your partner and making an effort to express care in meaningful ways – it is an active and accepting process. Does your relationship involve all of these qualities?
A Few Basic Tips To Make Love Last
1) Pay attention to the “sweetest things.” Remind yourself of why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, what qualities you love or admire, and tell them! Showing appreciation can counter the effects of criticism. Plus, it will help you to value your partner, the relationship, and hold on to that love.
2) Create a shared life – think “we” instead of “I.” Learn from your partner, share your dreams, ideas, and hopes together and work to include one another in these plans. Compromise, be supportive of one another’s needs and values, and find a way to appreciate your differences rather than try to change them. This is key to that acceptance part of unconditional love!
3) Hold on to the old - embrace the new. Find some rituals or routines that define you as a couple (celebrating anniversaries, weekly date nights, cooking together, taking walks through your local park) and hold on to them. Discover ways to challenge yourselves and embrace the new together (take up skydiving, scuba diving, guitar lessons, learn a new language).
4) Keep the passion alive. Communicate your physical and emotional needs, listen to your partner’s needs, and try out some new things if the romance is getting stale. What couples do depends on their individual preferences. Some ideas are having a candlelight dinner, giving each other massages, experimenting with new techniques, or testing out some sexual intimacy in new locations (different rooms in your home, a public place, your car).
Often relationships start out with a lot of sexual chemistry, passion, and unrealistic expectations. It’s important that you build the lasting qualities that make love unconditional, like trust, security, commitment, and more realistic expectations. Finally, it takes work to hold on to that passion and sexual chemistry. Love often goes awry when we back off, stop trying, take our partner for granted, or forget that it takes work and creativity to keep love alive. Don’t forget to follow these tips, and keep things new, interesting, and fun!
For more information about relationship research, check out the Gottman Institute at www.gottman.com.